I’m so happy to share my second pregnancy journey with you all! While I was pregnant with Maya in 2011-2012, I kept a pregnancy journal on my personal blog (www.twocentssuarez.blogspot.com ) documenting all my feelings, all my musings- including the roller coaster changes my heart, mind, and body were going through during such a surreal time. And weekly, I would post it on the blog, blast it to my closest family and friends, who would then share it with their close friends, and so a pregnancy tradition was born.
I’ve been going back and forth whether to to do it again with Baby Rocco. So many friends have urged me to keep it up because they enjoyed it so much the first time around. I finally decided ‘why the hell not!’ I can’t jip the second kid! As it is, he won’t be getting a 365 day book of his first year like Maya did. It was an incredibly special project but one of the hardest things I’ve ever done; but, one day Maya will read about her first year (and my first as a mom) in great detail (600 plus pages) and know that even when I was supremely sleep deprived, I never stopped writing because I did it for her. So when it comes to sweet Rocco, I’ll have to step up the collages and journal entries during pregnancy. Maybe even throw in a couple of videos for the poor kid.
I’m four months along (16 weeks), my belly has popped so much quicker in just a matter of weeks, and I think I’ve (finally!) turned the corner in my morning sickness! So much is already different the second time around- for starters, we’re having a BOY! I’m going through this pregnancy in Miami not New York (we’ll get into that in the coming weeks), and in a different climate (Miami in August? Ewww), and my first trimester and a little of my second, was plagued with some of the worst morning sickness I’ve ever experienced- throwing up, exhaustion (I fell asleep standing), and constipation (just as ugly as it sounds). And while I did complain and still do, I have to remind myself that these are all good signs and all for the greater good. My baby is sucking me dry so he can grow big, strong, handsome, smart, and with a good head of hair like his dad and grandpa (no pressure, kid). But lo and behold, for the first time this week, I woke up feeling- gasp- Fine! I’m almost afraid to put it out there in the u-verse. No nausea. No running to the toilet for our usual tete-a-tete, and no desire to stuff my face with the carbiest, starchiest, saltiest processed food available at a fast food restaurant (I’m talking to you, Taco Bell and McDonald’s). I am beginning to feel human again!
But let me get a little deep with you and tell you what I felt when I first peed on that stick (or three, but who’s counting) and found out I was pregnant. I felt guilt. Yes, we were trying so it wasn’t like we didn’t know it was coming, but for some reason, I felt guilty that Maya was no longer going to be the sole beneficiary of my affection and love. It would no longer be her and I against the world. We now had another wolf to add to our pack, to our cuddle sessions, and to our movie nights and I was feeling guilty that I was going to take that exclusivity away from her. But those feelings soon dissipated knowing that she would now have her own buddy- someone to boss around, someone to take care of only in the way big sisters do, and someone to commiserate with as they got older about how mom won’t stop blowing up whatever cool iPhone the kids are obsessing over or how dad’s curfews are just ridiculous.
Before I was pregnant, Coco and I would often ask each other if we would be able to love another baby as much as we love Maya. Our hearts explode with love for her. You will never know the true meaning of unconditional love until you hold your child for the first time in your arms. From that moment on, you are forever changed. And so, we’re pretty much obsessed with Maya, as I imagine every parent is with their child, especially their firstborn. After all, she made me a mother and we shared (and still share) lots of ‘firsts’ together and she’s been forgiving along the way as I learn the ropes and together we’ve gotten pretty good at this parenting thing!
I found myself asking my mom friends, “But do you love your second less than your first?’ And the answer was always the same- you love just as much if not more, but it’s a different kind of love. Would I love Rocco with the same intensity as Maya? Will I cry at the drop of a hat when I see him smile? Will I lay awake most of the night not because he’s kept me up, but because I want to make sure he’s breathing? And will I find any excuse to snuggle up with him against my chest singing every repetitious lullaby song I know over and over again just so I don’t have to let go? I got my answer a couple of weeks ago when I went for my last sonogram. There he was- a little human already dancing to the beat of his own drum. I fell in love all over again and cried. I cried because it was then I knew I was head over heels in love with my baby. I was going to get to experience that explosion, that overwhelming love, anxiety, fear, excitement, and joy, for a second time.
And there’s no feeling like it.
That’s all for week 16! Thank you for being part of this ride with me! Check back next week as I share with you why I was partly relieved to learn I was expecting a boy and how becoming a mom has been a healing process for my own loss.